EPISODE 57 : Half-Blood Prince (Ch. 29-30)
w/ Johnny Frohlichstein

Johnny is back to round out the final chapters of HBP! WE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS BOOK FOR 9 MONTHS HOLY CRAP. Topics include Pablo Sanchez, Pokemon names, selling Felix Felicis, British English being wrong, basketball awkwardness, Future Mike’s gonna flip, Gibbon, Regulus Black, British vs. French food, Silence of the Lambs, funeral pyres, and more!

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3:45>

 

Mike

Hello, internet and welcome back to another episode of Potterless, the journey of a 26 year old man reading the Harry Potter series for the very first time. My name is Mike Schubert, I'm that 26 year old man and I am joined again back for the third time, my good old buddy, Johnny Frolichstein, Johnny, how's it going?

 

Johnny  4:14  

Y'all have to listen to me for third hour, you poor souls.

 

Mike  4:18  

I like the last episode, we talked about, Oh, no. After the first one people were probably very upset and then we did two more.

 

Johnny
Elon Musk is going to shut down the internet or whatever now. 

 

Mike
Oh, but first, he’s going to come up with a bad idea? Yeah, very timely. This is always fun when people make relevant jokes. And then these episodes come out months later. This is at the time when he failed to save those Thai boys from the cave. This will be way after the fact. What's really funny is my normal person job is mechanical engineering. And one of the things that I get to do with work is my company does liquid nitrogen for SpaceX at the Vandenberg Air Force Base in California. So when they do launches and stuff, we give them liquid nitrogen and I was going to be there this upcoming weekend for a launch, and the launch got delayed by a week. And I'm pretty sure it's because he pulled away manpower from their normal SpaceX stuff to make this submarine thing that they did not end up using to save the Thai boys soccer team. 

 

Johnny
He's just like such a crazy person, like he truly believes that he can solve any problem and that he's the expert on any problem. He's like the ultimate guy. 

 

Mike
Yeah, he started off as this cool guy who was doing stuff and then the more and more he does and we learn about him, he seems like not the coolest, dude.

 

Johnny
He should stop tweeting if he stopped tweeting, he’d be fine. 

 

Mike
That is the biggest thing is he is very obsessed with his image and his perception. And he's always replying to people that write mean headlines about him on Twitter. And dude, that's just no way to live. 

 

Johnny

He really wants to be Tony Stark. That's like his thing. 

 

Mike
Yeah, but the thing is, at least Tony Stark just didn't care what other people think. I think the downside to Elon Musk is that he cares so much about how he's perceived.

 

Johnny
  That's the catch 22, if you want to be like Tony Stark, you're never going to be like Tony Stark. 

 

Mike
Well, look at that. Well, good thing we've spent three minutes talking about not Harry Potter. We are here to discuss the final two chapters of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince which are some sad reflective chapters. Not too many goofs to be had here. But, you know? That's- that's how the book wrapped it out. So let's get right into it, so we're not talking for a million hours. So chapter 29 is called the Phoenix Lament. Hagrid tries to get Harry to walk away from Dumbledore's body, but Harry does not want to leave Dumbledore side. A soft voice tells Harry to, “Come on.” And get him to walk away. Obviously, this is Ginny before they reveal it. Harry doesn't realize who it is until he takes a couple more steps and then he sees her red hair and then he realizes it's Ginny. She just kind of had this innate power to snap him out of it without him even realizing it, which is very sweet. Ginny tells Harry that it is McGonagall orders for him to go to the hospital wing and that everyone is already there. Harry asks, “Who else is dead?” Ginny says, “No one.” But Harry mentions the Dark Mark and Malfoy saying that he stepped over a body. And Ginny reveals that it was Bill and ahhh! not Bill, we like Bill. Why couldn't it be? I don't know. Who's that like Pansy or Zabini, but not Bill? 

 

Johnny
Bill is cool, he had an earring. 

 

Mike
Oh yes. So then she says, “It's all right. He's, dot dot dot, alive.” And those dot dot dots are very telling. It is a very telling ellipsis, Ginny Weasley.

 

Johnny
Dude I love this. I love this part. 

 

Mike
Yeah. And this part makes me understand why people did not like me making fun of Bill Weasley early on is because this tragic thing happened to him. So Harry can tell from her voice that something boded ill. Harry asks if she's sure, Ginny says, “Yes.” But he's a bit of a mess because Greyback attacked him and I realized, “Oh, right. I totally forgot that this happened even though it was maybe a chapter and a half ago.” But yeah, there was someone that Greyback alluded to attacking. It is good to know that at least he's not dead. But this now does put it in perspective. Oh, okay. When I was making fun of Bill for not being cool or whatever, people have a softer spot for him because he was viciously attacked by this horrible horrible person. 

 

Johnny
So I think it's just like super freaky that they don't know what the after effects are going to be because--

 

Mike
Yeah. Yeah.

 

Johnny

--no like evidence of a werewolf who's not transformed biting someone. Like, how fucked up is Greyback?

 

Mike

Yeah, he's like a pseudo cannibal. It's very interesting. 

 

Johnny
Yeah man.

 

Mike
So I felt really bad for him. You're right the whole aspect of not knowing what's gonna happen next makes it extremely terrifying. Just the unknown of it.

 

Johnny
Right like, truly is Bill, what is Bill now? Like, you don't know. It's good. It's real good. 

 

Mike
Yeah, it's very well crafted and is a very unique thing to add to the story, something I did not see coming. And I feel closer to Bill Weasley because I've been playing this Harry Potter Hogwarts Mystery iPhone game and Bill is one of your best friends. And he's so good in the game. He's so nice. He's super cool. He's a great Bro, he's a couple years older than you so he plays somewhat of an older brother type figure to you. He is super hunky in the game. Like they make him out to be the hottest dude, he's got this like flowing hair and this big smile and he looks cool. He's got like a button down shirt with a tie kind of loose and his sleeves rolled up. Like he looks much cooler in this game than he was described with his stupid ponytail and his Dragon Skin boots and his one earring. Bill Weasley in the phone game, cool as hell. But because I have played this game and he's one of your closest friends, I now feel a lot more upset and more heartbroken when this happens to Bill ‘cause over the span of just having to play this game recently, I like the dude a lot now. 

 

Johnny <9:43>

That's actually why they released it, for people like you who are reading it for the first time, they could play the game. 

 

Mike
They heard the Potterless episodes and they're like, “Alright, this kids making fun of Bill Weasley for no good reason.”

 

Johnny
Bill’s now like a hipster man bun, asshole earring. 

 

Mike
So they get to the hospital wing. Pomphrey says that Bill will never look the same, which is a huge blow since he is the hot one.

 

Johnny
Nice.

 

Mike
They don't know what's going to happen to him since Greyback wasn't in werewolf form when he bit him. Harry then asks Ginny about the other bodies that he saw on the ground. He already knew this was Neville. So I don't know why he's asking about it. But Ginny says it's Neville who met him Pomphrey says will make a full recovery. But then another one was Flitwick who got knocked out, but he is fine. And he's already left the hospital wing because he wanted to watch it over the Ravenclaws. Which man, Flitwick is a G, what a boss. He is suffering probably from a concussion, but doesn't care and wants to help out his students. 

 

Johnny

Yeah, I, Flitwick like, they made him so lame in the movies. He just like comic relief because he's short and like, come on.

 

Mike
Yeah, it’s so, like, not cool.

 

Johnny

Like, that is so overdone and dated. And clearly this guy's a badass, he’s the Ravenclaw Head of the House so, he’s gotta be brilliant. And--

 

Mike
And he's the dueling champion of Hogwarts.

 

Johnny  10:56  

Yeah, and he’s also the short guy. Way fun!

 

Mike  11:00  

Yeah, I don't like that they do that. And you got to think this is a school that has Snape and we've seen how good Snape is at dueling and Flitwick is still the dueling champion. So Flitwick has to be a beast.


 

Johnny  11:11  

Can we talk about what, like, how that duel must’ve played out. The Flitwick versus Snape matchup. That would be so good!

 

Mike
I mean, it's kind of like the Pablo Sanchez backyard baseball thing, where Pablo Sanchez is such a good hitter in it because he's so short that he's got a very small batter's box. So it makes him that much more powerful. Flitwick, to be fair, he is short, it's probably harder to hit him with spells. 

 

Johnny
That's so good. That’s such a good point. That is--

 

Mike
Right? He uses his physical limitations tho his advantage. It's like Yoda in Star Wars, he's dodging and moving all over the place. Speaking of the Harry Potter iPhone game, they make them a boss in the iPhone game and he's got a killer mustache and amazing blue plaid pants. He is a absolute boss in the game. So don't worry--

 

Johnny
Dude, you’re kind of, you're talking me into this game. I think I’m gonna give it a try.

 

Mike
Just do it and just put up with the frustration of how long you have to wait, it's worth it. The story is very fun. And you could just make your name something stupid. Like when you play Pokemon.

 

Johnny
Pokemon?

 

Mike
And you make your name “Butt” or whatever. You could make your name something like that because it's very often that the professor's call you by your full name.

 

Johnny
And your rivals like, “Hey, Fuck Face.”

Mike
Yeah, yeah, I did. My favorite thing to do with Pokemon names is you make your rival’s name a something so like A Jerk or An Idiot or a Bitch solely for the line. Because Professor Oak says he forgets what his grandson's name is. And then he can say the sentence, “That's right, my grandson's a bitch.” So that's the only reason you do that. And then you make your players Uhhh… He. Because then anytime you do something, it'll go, “Uhhh… he found a Pokeball.” “Uhhh… he found a rare candy.” “Uhhhh… he won the fight.” Which is great. And then I named my what was it? I made my charmander, ‘I mean, he.” so it will be like, “”I mean he used flamethrower.” And then I made by Pikachu, “... please?” with a question mark at the end. So when you throw it, it’s like,  “Go! ... please?”

 

Johnny
I mean... he is confused.

 

Mike

I mean... he hurt himself in confusion. When he is trying to learn an attack “I mean... he's trying to learn flamethrower--.”

 

Johnny

But he already.

 

Mike
“--but he already knows four attacks.” Like,  “I mean... he learned flamethrower.”

 

Johnny <13:19>

He's like some like shitty barista who like is telling you, you can’t cant do something, I mean… 

 

Mike
You also could make the name of anything, ‘I think.’ So that the narrator is very wishy washy. “I think he used flamethrower.” “I think he found a rare candy.” So anyway, now that we've taken three separate asides from one comment--

 

Johnny<13:40> 

Well can you imagine they made a Harry Potter sort of like, Pokemon GO style game? Where you could like learn spells.

 

Mike
Oh. They literally are making that. I have a friend that works for Niantic and they're making it.

 

Johnny
Oh, that’s real cool. 

 

Mike
I'm very excited to play it.

 

Johnny
I think they overcomplicated Pokemon Go a lot and I think if they just made it simple--

 

Mike
Yeah,  once they added the new generation, I stopped and that's exactly what I stopped playing Pokemon as a kid. 

 

Johnny
Yeah. Well, I think if it was just as simple as like, I can walk up to you and battle you or duel you or whatever, that will be way better. 

 

Mike
I still get the emails, because I haven't unsubscribed and a lot of the features they've added now are really cool. Like, you can trade items in between players and stuff. I think the problem was they released the game, and then it was really fun. And then they didn't release any of the new features. And then people got bored of it. Whereas I think if they waited one year before they released it, and they had all these features that they have in now, like the raid thing is actually really cool. And the new way that they do the gyms is a lot better than the original system. I think they sat on it for a year. And then had it come out. I think people would be playing it incessantly and would never stop. 

 

Johnny
Yeah. 

 

Mike
Because all the new features sound awesome, but I just haven't played for a while. And even though I’m  level 30, I just know that there's going to be people that are level 50 something and I just don't want to have to grind to get to the point where I'm one of the better players again and I just don't want to deal with it. 

 

Johnny
I think you're right, but there's also definitely gotta be some nostalgia factor. Like, people were gonna like, love that in the same way they were excited about fucking Fuller House for one episode and then realized it was like dumb, you know, like, I think that always comes into play when you bring up something from the 90s or fucking whatever that thing is you know that people loved. 

 

Mike
Yeah and that's what fueled it and that's also what kind of made me stop playing is that once they introduced the new Pokemon and I kept catching all these Pokemon I didn't recognize.

 

Johnny
Yeah. 

 

Mike
There goes the nostalgia factor because I don't care about this one that looks like a ladybug. I don't know who these are. These are weird.

 

Johnny
Right? 

 

Mike
Anyway, so many asides we're going to be, this episode’s gonna be an hour and a half long.

 

Johnny  

Sorry. 

 

Mike  

So,  one of the Death Eaters died from one of the random Avada Kedavra that the blonde Death Eater was just throwing around willy nilly. But that is it in terms of deaths. So nobody that we care about is dead, thankfully, aside from Dumbledore. Ginny says that the Felix Felicis was key as everything seemed to simply miss them. So thank goodness that Harry left it for them otherwise someone we care about might have died. 

 

Johnny
This kind of begs the question like, why you're not hearing about Felix Felicis all the time in the wizarding world. Because if I learned how to make that, I would make a big old vat of it and just like make a killing. You could make so much if you sold Felix Felicis.

 

Mike
I'm telling you they gotta make a lot of it because Felix Felicis is clearly the most powerful potion in the Harry Potter universe.

 

Johnny
No, by far like, every other potion is super lame in comparison. It’s like, you could make so much money if you just nailed how to make.. and I know like, Slughorn said that you can't have too much of it or whatever. But you also can't have too much you know, alcohol and people make a killing off that. 

 

Mike
Yeah, Fred and George should make it, they definitely need to start selling it.

 

Johnny
Is it, is it not legal? Like, what is preventing people from taking this once a month? Like, have the best day ever? 

 

Mike
Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I guess you got to find out like what the limitation of like how much you can take it is or whatever. But regardless, if even if it's something where like you should just do it once in your life. This potion clearly works wonders, severe wonders.

 

Johnny<16:57>

Sell it to Muggles, if you market it, right? 

 

Mike
Yeah, totally. But that would be problematic. I'm glad that Harry ultimately made the call to leave it with them and not take it with him because clearly him and Dumbledore didn't need it on their journey at all. But everyone back at the castle needed it pretty badly. 

 

Johnny
Do you think you would have made that call?

 

Mike  <17:14>

Yeah, I think so. I think Harry's reasoning of like I don't need this luck potion stuff I have freakin Dumbledore with me seems like the pretty obvious and smart call to make. It makes more sense especially given that Harry's directions for them was to try to figure out what Malfoy is doing. That is something that needs more luck. Whereas Dumbledore and Harry doing the Horcrux thing just needs skill. I think that it's two different things to play. It makes sense that Harry didn't take it with him.

 

Johnny
That's fair. 

 

Mike
So Harry enters the hospital wing everyone is crowded around Bill’s bed. Hermione runs up and hugs Harry. Lupin asks if Harry's okay and Harry very quickly just goes, “I'm all right, how's Bill?” Which, fuck yes, Harry. Fuck yes, I absolutely love his dedication to making sure everyone else's okay. The narrator then says, “Nobody answered.” Which is not a good sign. Apparently Bill’s face is just absolutely rough. Pomfrey is putting on some green lotion on his face. Harry thinks of Snape healing the Sectumsempra and wonders why Pomfrey isn't doing the same thing asks her if there's some sort of charm that she can use and she says, “No, as there is no known cure for werewolf bites.” Harry brings up a point that it wasn't on the full moon though who was he really a werewolf bite? And Ron kind of asks about the same thing. Lupin says that he doesn't think Bill will become a full werewolf, but there may be some sort of contamination. Lupin says that the wounds are cursed and will never heal and he may end up having some wolf-like tendencies. So, I'm very intrigued to see what happens with Bill going forward. 

 

Johnny
I can't get over Fenrir Greyback doing that while he wasn't transformed. It is probably like the one of the top most fucked up things in the series, like by far.


Mike
Oh easily, no contention, no contention at all. Especially because he's still targeting children. So he is not only someone that has cannibalistic tendencies, or passions or desires or whatever. But specifically children cannibalism, which is very weird. I guess Bill is grown up. He's basically a full fledged adult at this point. But it's still weird that he's like, “Oh yeah, I love eating kids even when I'm a man.” It's very strange. 

 

Johnny
Yeah, we're like, oh Jesus, Fenrir is here, there are kids here like we gotta, we gotta hide those guys. 

 

Mike
Ron in a cringestactic moment says that, he thinks Dumbledore can help and he should help since Bill fought the Death Eaters on his orders. Ginny has to break the news to him. Ron is absolutely shook, Lupin collapses, Tonks asked what happened and then Harry recaps the whole story. 

 

Johnny
This is such a like, sort of you forget that just because you're following this omniscient or, you know, third person or whatever, Narrator, you sort of forget that information doesn't travel that fast, especially after an event like this. And so, to see someone find out, you know, second hand that it happened is just absolutely gut wrenching. It's so bad. 

 

Mike
It's crushing. It's completely crushing. So then, in the darkness they hear a phoenix singing it seems very sad and like the song is full of lament, but Harry still notes that it is beautiful. They all stopped to listen and it eases their pain a bit. So after this happens, McGonagall comes in she looks very rough as well. And she says that Molly and Arthur are on their way. McGonagall asks for a recap, and Harry just straight up delivers the news that Snape killed Dumbledore.

 

Johnny
Again, we, we see this second hand sort of, “Hey, what's what's up what's going on?” You know, where's Dumbledore? Oh, it just fucking sucks. 

 

Mike
Yeah.

 

Johnny
It’s so hard to read. 

 

Mike
It's just terrible. McGonagall begins to faint, but Madam Pomfrey conjures a chair in order to catch her. Madame Pomfrey is just so great. I love her. She's very underrated in this series. McGonagall is just straight up in utter disbelief. She has a quote that says, “We all wondered, but he trusted... always... Snape…” Just lots of dot, dot dot not really being able to put together a complete sentence. Lupin chalks up the situation to Occlumency. Saying that Snape was able to use Occlumency to trick Dumbledore into trusting him. Tonks says that she always thought Dumbledore knew something about Snape that we didn't which justified him trusting Snape, which I think is the correct answer. It seems like the most logical choice. So all of them go on and on a bit about what's going on. But then Harry says that Snape gave the information to Voldemort to kills Harry's parents, and his whole apology Dumbledore saying it's the biggest regret blah blah blah Harry thinks it's complete bullshit. Lupin is surprised the Dumbledore believed it bringing up the same point that Harry did that Snape absolutely hated James, Harry then goes on to say that Snape didn't think that his mother Lily was worth a damn because she was a Muggleborn, citing the flashback time when Harry heard Snape call her a Mudblood but he doesn't actually say how he knew this, but I do think it's pretty funny given that unfortunately, I know the spoiler that Snape had a big big crush on Lily Potter. 

 

Johnny
I was just gonna say man, this is such a good little tidbit and I bet you felt in on the secret when you're reading this you're like, “Ohhhhh!”

Mike
Yes, very much so. 

 

Johnny
You think she was worth a damn. 

 

Mike
He thought she was the most worth of damns. 

 

Johnny
Worth ten damns. 


Mike
So McGonagall then bursts out saying that it’s all her fault. The book says quote, “She was all disorientated.” Which I thought was a typo thinking that JK Rowling might not know what the word disoriented is. But according to Google, British people actually say disorientated instead of disoriented, which doesn't make any damn sense. 

 

Johnny
Oh, that's awesome. I'm sitting here with my stupid American copy and being like, “Mike, I don't know what you're looking at.” So…

 

Mike
Oh, it says disoriented?


Johnny
It’s, yes, disoriented in the American copy. 

 

Mike
Okay, so I listened to the Stephen Fry audiobook for this particular section. 

 

Johnny
Got it.

 

Mike
So, he said disorientated. Okay, that's good to know that they changed it for the English version. So that it was correct. 

 

Johnny
Yeah, you know? Correct. As American English is correct.

 

Mike
Why would you add a ‘u’ to color? Why do you have to use ‘u’ to favorite? Why would you add an ‘i’ to aluminum? It's just extra letters. 

 

Johnny
I think we did the subtracting I don't think they did the adding.

 

Mike
Yeah, we’re efficient. We don’t need these garbage extra letters and syllables.

 

Johnny
Ahh yes. The United States of America, a model of efficiency, especially right now. 

 

Mike
We were so good until November of 2016. We were so good.

 

Johnny
Yeah, and then that bullshit happened. 

 

Mike
We had the coolest dude, that was funny, and nice and good at basketball. 

 

Johnny
Very good basketball.

 

Mike
Dude.

 

Johnny
Lefty J

 

Mike
He got the skills and now, I don't know I wouldn't even trust Trump to like walk down a flight of stairs. What do you think the over/under is on flights of stairs that man is taken in office? I'd say two.

 

Johnny
I thought you’re going to ask me what that over under is on the Obama Trump one on one basketball game. 

 

Mike
Oh, you'd have to give Trump a 10 point lead if they're playing to 11 and Obama would still win. Even if it was make it take it for Trump and not for Obama. 

 

Johnny
He would get murked. He'd get absolutely murked. 

 

Mike
Did you watch that Ted Cruz vs Jimmy Kimmel basketball thing? It was garbage.


Johnny
I don't know. I don't care about that. 

 

Mike
They played one on one, I-I only heard about it. And then I watched the, “highlights” from it. It was very disappointing, I couldn't watch more than 12 seconds of it. 

 

Johnny
I mean, it's too like, old dudes--

 

Mike
That don't play basketball.

 

Johnny
Yeah, yeah. 

 

Mike
They don’t play basketball. 

 

Johnny
They do that. 

 

Mike
It's very bad. Because basketball is I think the sport the most where if you don't play it, it is very obvious to see. Because you can kind of fake it in some other sports like kind of fake it in soccer, as long as you're roughly athletic and you don't try to do much a dribble moves. 

 

Johnny
Yeah.


Mike
But basketball, it's just such an unnatural motion to try to put a ball into a hoop 10 feet up in the air.

 

Johnny
Yeah.

 

Mike
That if you don't do it, it is very obvious. 

 

Johnny
I think the one other obvious sport that you could tell that someone hasn't played besides Quidditch is baseball.

 

Mike
Oh yeah.

 

Johnny
Like, if you watch them with throwing baseball and they don't throw it, they’re like, “Meeeee.” It’s really, it’s really, you could tell 

 

Mike
Yeah, I would also say probably Ultimate Frisbee as well, because if you don't know how to throw a frisbee straight, it looks real bad.

 

Johnny
Indeed.

 

Mike
And the whole point.

 

Johnny

Indeed it is.

 

Mike
Ultimate is you have to stick it to a particular rectangle. You can't throw it too wide. Anyway McGonagall says that she sent Flitwick to fetch Snape to help them so she feels guilty because she doesn't think Snape knew that the Death Eaters were there before Flitwick told him. So she is blaming herself because indirectly she is the reason that Snape figured out that the Death Eaters were trying to attack. 

 

Johnny
I think this is entirely reasonable of McGonagall to say this. But it also kind of reminded me of those fucking people who when some tragedy happens, they're like, Oh, my God, three hours before it happened. My cousin's dog was on that same block, and they saw, you know, blah, blah, blah. And just like, stop making it about you. Like don't do that. Like…

 

Mike
Yeah, I think it's different here because, she has survivor's guilt. It's different than the different than the Phlegm.

 

Johnny
Yes, it is different here but it reminded me of this. 

 

Mike
Yes, yes, for sure. I think she just got a survivor's guilt situation very reminiscent of when Harry was blaming himself, and Tonks was as well with the ministry situation where Tonks said that she was fighting Bellatrix before so she was able to take care of Bellatrix. Bellatrix would have killed Sirius and Harry also feeling it. But Harry definitely more guilt because his brash thinking is what got them into that mess. 

 

Johnny
I was gonna say survivor's guilt is probably somewhere rooted in the fact that it is fucking fault. 

 

Mike
Oh man, Lupin tells her that it's not her fault. McGonagall then talks about not knowing how the Death Eaters got in so Harry fills her in on that situation. And she says quote, “So they got in through the Room of Requirement.” And Harry shoots a look at Ron and Hermione who look devastated which I wanted a whole chapter of them saying told you so but obviously not in these circumstances where it is shrouded in the death of Dumbledore. I'm very happy that I got my told you so moment because I felt bad for Harry, but I-not like this.

 

Johnny 

Yeah. 

 

Mike
Not like this.

 

Johnny
It doesn't feel good, doesn’t it?

 

Mike  

Ron said that they listened to Harry Ron Hermione and Ginny waited outside the Room of Requirement all night. And Malfoy ran out of the room at one point about an hour after they got there with his hand of glory, which gives light only to the holder. Have we learned about the hand of glory before or is this the only time it's been mentioned? 


Johnny
I believe it was mentioned earlier in book six. 

 

Mike
Is this something that he bought at Borgin and Burkes? 

 

Johnny
I think that's where it's mentioned before it's in Borgin and Burkes.


Mike
Yeah.

 

Johnny
I don't remember if it's in this book or earlier but--

 

Mike
But it's a Borgin and Burkes item?

 

Johnny
Yeah, yeah, that yeah, this isn't the first time it’s come up.

Mike
Yeah, because Hermione kind of does the, “Remember…” Rr either Hermione or Ginny does that, “Remember, it gives light only to the holder.” Which seemed very much like a, “Hey reader, in case you’ve forgotten what this thing is that we've mentioned before.” So that was helpful for me.

 

Johnny
There's a moment in book seven that's going to infuriate you because she does that in like a crucial moment. She just like drop something that you've never heard of before. It’s so dumb.

 

Mike
I think you mentioned earlier in either this recording or a previous episode, but I'm I'm not looking forward to it.

 

Johnny
You’re going to lose your shit. 


Mike
Is it a good one or not going to be angry? 

 

Johnny
You're gonna be so mad. I was so mad. Actually, it happens twice within like 50 pages of each other. 

 

Mike
Oh no.

 

Johnny
Everyone listening has got to know what I'm talking about. 


Mike

This doesn't sound like fun. I hope it's not that I don't I don't even want to guess. 

 

Johnny
You won’t be able to guess.

 

Mike

If it's the Deluminator/Put Outer? I will be mad.

Johnny
No. 

 

Mike
If it's something like the pygmy puff is important, I’ll also be upset. 

 

Johnny
No, it's not like that. It's more like someone--

 

Mike
Don't tell me anything about it. 

 

Johnny
Okay.

 

Mike
I just want to be furious when it happens.

 

Johnny
Yeah, you will. You will, don't you worry. 

 

Mike
So, Ginny says that he must have been keeping track of the coast is clear not because as soon as he noticed them, he threw something into the air and it went all pitch black. Ron says that this was Peruvian instant darkness powder from Fred and George. And Ron says that he's pretty upset and wants to yell at them for not gauging and monitoring who they sell their items to. Lumos and Incendio didn't do anything. And then Ginny says a quote which makes me so sad. She says, “All we could do was grope our way out of the corridor.”

 

Johnny
Someone died, Ginny. Someone died and you're talking about groping. 

 

Mike
They couldn't use any curses since it was too dark. They're afraid they might hit each other but they could tell the people were running past them. So this, we can assume is all the Death Eaters running out of the Room and Requirement with Malfoy. As soon as they got out and saw the light the Death Eaters were gone. Lupin says that luckily, they ran into him and Neville almost immediately and told them what was happening. Then one of the Death Eaters named, Gibbon given ran up the stairs made the Dark Mark, meaning that they had decided on this whole plan before they left the Room of Requirement.

 

Johnny
Dude, so this Gibbon fellow, I've read these books a lot of times and I played the Harry Potter Sporkle Game where you try to name all the characters. 

 

Mike
Yeah. 

 

Johnny
And I've done trivia and succeeded in Harry Potter trivia. When I was rereading this chapter, I had never heard that name. Gib-Gibbon, who the fuck is that? I've no idea.

 

Mike
This might be the only mention of him--

 

Johnny
It definitely is.

 

Mike
-- because he dies pretty quick. His life lasts three sentences.


Johnny
Definitely the only given time Gibbon ever referenced is right here. Can we pour one out for our homeboy, Gibbon?

 

Mike
Yeah. In Memoriam of Gibbon.

 

Johnny
He live the way too short..


Mike
🎤In the arms of the angel. 🎤Anyway so, he gets up he does the Dark Mark, he must have not liked the thought of waiting for Dumbledore alone, Lupin says. So, he ran back down and then was quickly killed by a killing curse that just missed Lupin. We can assume that this was launched by that big blonde Death Eater that’s just throwing stuff all over the place. Hermione says that she and Luna were waiting outside of Snape’s office for ages and nothing happened. But then, Flitwick came around and frantically burst into Snape’s office. Then they heard a loud thud and Snape came out saying that Flitwick had collapsed and that they should care for him while Snape goes to take on the Death Eaters. So this is uhhh, this is clearly Snape doing something to make Flitwick pass out so that he can be ditched. But my question here, why would you need to do that? Is there something that Flitwick knows or I-I don't get the point of making Flitwick pass out? It doesn't really seem like he's that crucial that he couldn't be in the fight with with all the other people from the Order.

Johnny
I think it was just to get… well, A. It was to sort of like lessen their numbers. B. To get Hermione and Luna out of the way. 

 

Mike
Yeah, I guess he's trying to reduce the amount of people that could see what is going down. 

 

Johnny
Yeah

 

Mike

So Hermione now feels guilty that they didn't realize the situation. Lupin also says that it's not their fault. Snape was able to run through the curse barriers that the Death Eaters put up. Even though the Order couldn't. So clearly, he knew some sort of dark art spell that the rest of the Order didn't know. Tonks and Lupin revealed at the big Death Eater let out a jinx that made half of the ceiling collapse. And then that is when Snape and Malfoy came running out. And they just kind of let Snape and Malfoy pass because they thought that the two of them were running away since they were being attacked by the Death Eaters, they had no idea that Snape had turned, so to speak and murdered Dumbledore. After letting those two passed, Greyback and the crew returned, so they just resumed fighting them. Tonks says that she thought she heard Snape yell something but couldn't tell what. Harry tells her that what he said was, “It's over.” Because they had done what they came to do, which is rough. And this whole section of this chapter is rough because it's everyone basically recapping what happened. And each person has some sort of facilitation into letting this go down. And it sucks because it's a thing where Oh, we were kind of guilty because of this. Oh, We were kind of guilty because of this. We were kind of guilty being because of this.

 

Johnny  

It's all the different little puzzle pieces.

 

Mike  

It's just this whole thing where everyone feels guilty. And yes, you have the Felix Felicis keeping them alive. But this almost feels like an anti Felix Felices where all of these weird situations had to come together to make this happen. 

 

Johnny
Yes and no-

 

Mike
But you could also maybe say that the Felix Felicis, I don't know who drank it. I don't know if they all split it or whatever. But the one thing that you could say is this is a very much like Infinity War. Dr. Strange kinda. There's only one outcome where we can get rid of Voldemort situation, and maybe a necessary step in getting Voldemort gone is Snape killing Dumbledore. I guess that's the only justification you could say. 

 

Johnny

Right and I also think all of their sort of mistakes are a little bit rooted in the fact that Dumbledore trusts Snape, right? Because they let them Snape and Malfoy walk by then once they've go after Flitwick is down, right? Like everything is sort of centered around this fact that like all these like, choke points where you could have stopped Snape, but you were never going to because you had no reason to. 

 

Mike
Yeah, exactly because Dumbledore trust him so we should trust him. After Harry breaks the news that what he said was, “It's over.” Everyone falls silent. Mr. And Mrs. Weasley, then enter Molly is in tears. She doesn't even give a damn when Arthur asked about Dumbledore she is purely focused on Bill, because she's a true and good mom. She's worried about his face, noting that it's not necessarily the most important thing but she does say he was a very handsome little boy, Molly's just so pure! Fleur then comes running in as well. Molly goes on to cry about how he would have been married and Fleur in the ultimate rebound, takes offense to this asking, “What do you…” Oh sorry, I’m trying to do French for this one, “Vhat do you mean?” No, there's no V's in the French. “Vat do you mean vould have been?” And she asks Molly if this means that he won’t still love her because the werewolf stuff. Molly hints at the scars and then Fleur asks Molly, “Oh, do you think that I'm not going to love it because of his looks?” She comes so close to executing this interaction perfectly. But then she ends it with quote, “I think I am attractive enough for ze both of us.”  Which no!

 

Johnny
That’s so good.

 

Mike
No Fleur! You are so close. You were so close to doing amazing.

 

Johnny
And then she just peppers in how damn hot she is.

 

Mike

Ugh… just a bit outside. Fleur then grabs the green lotion from her and starts to put it on Bill’s face. Everyone is anticipating a huge explosion from Molly. But instead, Molly's very happy and offers Fleur a tiara from Auntie Muriel to wear during the wedding saying she thinks it will go well with Fleur’s hair. Fleur accepts that kind of share an aww moment and they embrace in a tear filled hug. 

 

Johnny

I love these sort of instances, which is like kind of a little bit of a dated thing, I think. For you know, when these books were coming out, there's all these instances in which Ron and Harry both are like, “Oh, women, you know?” They’re just like, they're just like complete doofus. Like, of course they're crying and hugging right now, right? Like, this is a very emotional moment. 

 

Mike
Yeah.

 

Johnny
But like, Harry and Ron are just, “Uhhh!”

Mike
But yeah,  it's a bit dated. It definitely is a bit dated. Tonks then butts in saying, “You see, she still wants to marry him even though he's been bitten. She doesn't care.” And this at first, I thought was Tonks actually liking Bill. Not it just being a theory from Molly or something that Molly wanted to happen. And I thought that oh, maybe she and Lupin had talked about it and Lupin thought they could be a thing if Fleur was going to be too superficial. But then Lupin’s reply changes everything and it's something I did not see coming at all. Lupin says, “It's different.” Barely moving his lips. “Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely different.” And then I realized, “Ohhh! she loves Lupin.”

 

Johnny
Pew pew pew!

 

Mike
The patronus was Lupin. Uh,  it explains so many things. 

 

Johnny
Yeah, man.


Mike
I had a huge aha moment when this happened. 

 

Johnny
Pull that rug out from it right now?

 

Mike
Yep, I did not see this coming at all at all at all at all at all. Harry makes the same realization of me where he's like, “Oh, whaaa ahhh!” And Tonks yells at Lupin that she doesn't care. And she's told him a million times. Lupin says, he's told her a million times that he's too old too poor and too dangerous. Molly thinks Lupin is being ridiculous. Lupin says he's not because talks deserve someone young and whole. But then Arthur chimes in saying that sometimes young and whole men don't remain so, nodding at Bill, which is heartbreaking.

Johnny
Ughh!

 

Mike
Uhhh! So sad. It's so sad. But Lupin says that this is not the time to discuss this, which is very correct by Lupin This is not the time to try to talk about if him and this younger girl should date. There are more pressing matters in that Bill is fucked up and Dumbledore is dead. 

 

Johnny
Lupin is so right at this moment.

 

Mike
Easily the best Marauder, no contest at all. He's so much better than James and Sirius. 


Johnny
And then McGonagall’s like, “Well, Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody do you think there's a little more love in the world.” I was like, Oh, fuck you. That is so-

 

Mike
Yeah, yeah

 

Johnny
-come on like-

 

Mike
Not the time and place. 

 

Johnny
You're literally ganging up on this guy and like telling him that like this dead person that everyone loved would have been happy to know. Just like, shh! Right now? 

 

Mike
Not the time. So Hagrid comes in very teary eyed saying that he moved the body. Sprout got the kids back in bed and Slughorn informed the ministry. McGonagall tells Hagrid that in addition to the heads of house but Slughorn replacing Snape, she wants him to join her in a meeting in her office. McGonagall walks out with Harry saying that they're going to go to her office. Harry, halfway through the walk, realizes that they're headed to Dumbledore's office, but then he realizes, “Oh, right. She's the deputy Headmistress. Now she's just the headmistress. Now this is her office.” Two things here. First, we get a good silver lining of McGonagall being headmaster's next book, I hope. And second, here's a question are we going to get a Dumbledore painting and then is Harry going to be able to talk to Dumbledore? Like, isn't everything okay? 

 

Johnny
Interesting thoughts Mr. Schubert? 

 

Mike
Right? Like, my whole big thing was like, “Oh, man, how the hell is Harry going to figure out where the rest of the Horcruxes are?” Oh wait, he can talk to the painting of Dumbledore.

 

Johnny
This was a very common thing that got thrown around after book six came out, pre book seven. 

 

Mike
Yeah.

 

Johnny
That's all that I'll say. 

 

Mike
McGonagall then gets into the office, wants to know what Harry and Dumbledore were doing. But Harry won't tell her since Dumbledore told him to tell no one except for the squad. Now the book then does go on to mention that there is a Dumbledore painting in the office, right? But it just says that he's like sleeping or something. 

 

Johnny
Yeah.

 

Mike
Is it? Is it rude to wake him up? Are you supposed to wait a long time after they die? Like, what's the what's the protocol?

 

Johnny
Painting etiquette.

 

Mike

I'm very confused on how it works, from death to painting? 

 

Johnny
Yeah, are they asleep even or like, what are you, what are you talking to you when you're talking to a painting? 

 

Mike
Yeah, I'm very confused. Did they have the painting there? And then when he died is showed up, or did they paint the painting and then once he died, it comes to life. I really need a big explanation of how the paintings work, because it's very confusing, because we have learned that the paintings can feel emotions since the Fat Lady cried her eyes out for the death of Dumbledore. 

 

Johnny
Yeah.

 

Mike
It's very confusing to me. 

 

Johnny
I would have loved to seen where Harry and McGonagall get to the office and like the dude’s sitting there like, painting the painting.

 

Mike
Oh man!

 

Johnny
Like, can we can we have the space? 

 

Mike
So, here's what Hary should do for the seventh book. You should get a very tiny Canvas in a frame and commission someone to make a very tiny Dumbledore painting, and then you can keep Dumbledore in his pocket because we've learned that paintings can teleport if they're in another painting. And then Harry’s got a painting a Dumbledore in his pocket. 

 

Johnny
That's actually what happens.


Mike
That better be what happened. 

 

Johnny
He commissioned the painter to paint tiny Dumbledore.

 

Mike
Ohhh, take the locket, the locket with the fake Horcrux, gets someone to paint Dumbledore on the inside of the locket then carry that around, you've got Dumbledore all the time, right? 

 

Johnny
Again, I'm just like blushing so hard right now. And the reason for that is because you're predicting everything exactly right. And I don't want to say anything, you know? You’re just nailing it. He commissions a painter. 

 

Mike
Oh, gosh, you're the worst person. You're the worst person. 

 

Johnny
You’re the worst person and the best person. 

 

Mike
So anyway…

 

<40:24>


EM

Alright past Mike, let's ease up a bit because it's time for WINGARDIUM AD-READ-OSA.

 

<40:30>

 

WINGARDIUM AD-READ-OSA!!

<43:55>

 

Mike

McGonagall keeps trying to get Harry to tell her saying that, “Oh, the situation has changed now the Dumbledore died.” But Harry will not give in.

 

Johnny
Her first argument is Harry like, or she asks Harry what they were doing and Harry’s like, “I'm not going to tell you that.” And then she's like, “Harry, it might be important.” ‘No shit!” “Harry, this could be important. It might be something you want to tell me.”

 

Mike
I don't understand why he didn’t. I would trust McGonagall enough to tell her or, I mean, this is just Harry being dumb and not asking enough questions, which is a common theme throughout the entire book. When Dumbledore mentions that there's the chance of him dying on this mission. Harry should have asked, “Okay, so if you do die, can I talk to McGonagall?” That, I mean, that seems like a logical first question. 

 

Johnny
I sort of don't understand the necessity to keep the Horcruxes secret. 

 

Mike
Uh, yes, I don't understand it either. 

 

Johnny
Why would you crowdsource it? 

 

Mike
Right? I guess the thought is that you don't want word to spread and Voldemort to hear.

 

Johnny
So what? If everyone knows that is like a strictly better situation than if no one knows. I don't think there's any world in which more people hunting is worse than less people hunting. 

 

Mike
Yeah, at the very least, you can just tell a very tight knit group of people in the Order that you trust. You tell McGonagall, you tell Kingsley Shacklebolt, you tell Lupin and then that's probably it. And then you just have a somewhat larger search party team to find the Horcruxes.


Johnny
Dude, you’re going to get some good Lupin stuff in book seven. Lupin’s got a lot of shit coming.

 

Mike
Good. He's great. I like him a lot. I was so disappointed when he got fired because he was the best teacher that they've ever had--

 

Johnny
Yeah.

 

Mike
--of anything, not just a Defense Against the Dark Arts. He's the best professor of any them.

 

Johnny
Yeah.

 

Mike
Except for maybe Professor Vector, who I think does not get enough love, the Arithmancy Professor.

 

Johnny
Vector? I barely know her.

 

Mike

The Arithmancy professor? Oh god. Oh my god!

 

Johnny 

I actually don’t, I barely know anything about her.

 

Mike
Well, Potterless is now over, so thanks everyone. 

 

Johnny
Did I end it? I ended Potterless?

 

Mike
Yep, you've murdered it--

 

Johnny
No more episode. 

 

Mike
--The episode and the whole podcast is now over.  So Harry won't give in but he does tell her about Rosmerta and McGonagall’s like, “Rosemerta?” Which, yep.

 

Johnny

I barely know her, Im sorry.

 

Mike
Ahhh! God dammit! So Sprout, Slughorn, Flitwick and Hagrid then enter. And we get another awful awful word choice from--

 

Johnny
Ejaculated!

 

Mike
--JK Rowling, “Snape?!” Ejaculated Slughorn. This is the same chapter we've gotten groping ejaculate it in the same chapter!

 

Johnny
Immediately following Dumbledore’s death, we’ve groped and we’ve ejaculated.

 

Mike
So, one of the paintings in the room warns McGonagall that Scrimgeour will be arriving soon. So McGonagall gathers ever together goes, “Look, before this idiot shows up, here's the plan.” So the debate is whether or not to have the school open next year. Sprout thinks that they should keep it open. Slughorn isn't so sure he doesn't even know if there's going to be people that want to be in the school. McGonagall reminds everyone that Dumbledore almost shut it down a book two. Flitwick says that they should consult the governors and McGonagall then asks Hagrid his opinion. He is surprised because he's not a head of house but McGonagall says look, “Dumbledore still respected your opinion. So I do as well.” which I think is great.

 

Johnny
So cute. 

 

Mike
Hagrid in an even cuter moment says he's not leaving because Hogwarts is his home and it has been ever since he was 13. McGonagall decides then that they are going to go through with Flitwick’s plan, which is bring it to the governors. Which I guess is good seeing that Lucius Malfoy isn't there anymore. It seems like he was the only really problematic governor. So, it seems like a fine decision to go with them. 


Johnny
Yeah, I think so. I think so.

 

Mike
I don't know who these other governors are. But we don't have Lucius in play and that always seemed like the thing that he was just bribing everybody. So maybe they're not the best because they were susceptible to Lucius’ bribes but without him, maybe they're fine. 

 

Johnny
Yeah, I think I mean, I see the equivalent is like a board. 

 

Mike
Yeah.

 

Johnny
It’s same thing. 

 

Mike
Yes. So we McGonagall moves on to how they should send the kids home. Harry asks about Dumbledore’s funeral. The other house heads agree that Dumbledore should be buried here, even though no other headmaster has been before. 

 

Johnny

So McGonagall tells them it was a wish to be laid to rest at Hogwarts. And that got me thinking about all the times Dumbledore and McGonagall probably just like we're hangin’ How bad would you want to be a fly on the wall on those conversations?

 

Mike
Dude, so badly. Just them downin’ some firewhiskey, uh it'd be amazing.

 

Johnny
Shooting the shit, like crying.

 

Mike
Telling war stories and stuff. Oh man, I love it.


Johnny
So good.

Mike
They ultimately decided to have a funeral for Dumbledore before the kids head home. Because as Harry said earlier, people are going to want to say goodbye. Scrimgeour is approaching, Harry asks to leave because he doesn't want to deal with this bullshit. McGonagall let's him, which nice, great Well, I'm glad Harry doesn't have to deal with him. But next chapter. He will. So Harry gets up to th common room. The Fat Lady is a mess. She asks Harry to confirm what you heard. He says, “Yes.” She's crying profusely and then just opens without Harry saying any sort of password. So Harry goes in the room is absolutely jam-packed. Basically just walks through without speaking or making eye contact to anyone. And Harry gets into the dormitory itself. And Ron is the only other one in there. And they basically just stare at each other for a long time before Harry brings up that they may close the school. Ron then whispers asking about the Horcrux. Harry says, “No.” Ron asks about RAB. And at this point, I gave it a little more thought. When I first read the chapter when Dumbledore dies. I didn't really think about it, but after reading it this time, I tried to think okay, who are all the characters that we know whose initials are RAB or at least RB and I tried to go through R and I was like, okay, Remus, no. I couldn't think of anybody else within R. I was like not Rosemerta, not Romilda Vane. So then I went to B and I was like, all right, well, Black obviously. And then I remembered doesn't Sirius have like a brother named Regulus Black? And Wasn't he a Death Eater that tried to defect and then got murdered because of it? He seems like a perfect candidate for this.

 

Johnny
Sirius does have a brother named Regulus. 

 

Mike
Yeah. And Wasn't he a Death Eater that tried to defect and then got killed because of it? 

 

JD
Yes, Sirius does bring that up.

 

Mike

Yes, so this is my thought here. I need to know if his middle name starts with an A, I guess I could go back to I'm assuming Order of the Phoenix and it would have on Family Tree, Regulus Black. But my guess is Regulus Black. We'll get into in the next chapter why I feel much more confident about this guess. But my initial guess here, Regulus Black. So Harry is not really bothered with RAB. The only thing that he can think about is that their whole mission was basically pointless because it weakened Dumbledore and led to his death. And while Harry thinks this, Fawkes’ song fades out, and that's the end of the chapter.

 

Mike
Then we get into chapter 30. The White Tomb, the final chapter of the book and the final chapter obviously there will be covering in this episode. So all the lessons and exams are postponed. Some parents are picking up their kids early like the Patils and Zacharia Smith. But Seamus refuses to leave with his mom when his mom shows up. So hell yeah, Seamus Finnigan, that's what I'm talking about. Finally standing up to his mom who has been identified as problematic previously. Seamus tells Harry that his mom had a rough time finding a room in Hogsmeade. Because witches and wizards are pouring into try to pay their respects to Dumbledore, which is a very good time. Maxime then flies in on a big old chariot and she embraces Hagrid. The ministry crew arrives, Harry tries to avoid them and successfully does. The squad and Ginny, we learn have been inseparable since Dumbledore’s death and hanging out all the time. Kind of just coping with with the reality that they're in now. And Harry notes that he's bummed about it because the weather has been really nice. And it makes Harry wish that he could have just enjoyed these nice weather days at Hogwarts with his new girlfriend. 

 

Johnny
But alas, he has to do a much worse thing. 

 

Mike
Yeah. So Harry has this weird foreshadowing thing where he says that he knows he will have to leave Ginny his quote, “Best form of comfort.” Soon, which I first read and I don't know, is Harry gonna break up with Ginny? And I hoped it wasn't true, but spoiler alert, it is!

 

Johnny
He did the superhero thing. He did it.

 

Mike
Yeah. It’s we’ll get into it later, it’s very stupid. So Neville is out of the hospital wing but not Bill yet. Bill apparently looks more like Moody than anything. So he's got a bad scar situation but personality wise, he's acting the same. So that's good. The only difference is that he has a liking for very rare steaks, which Fleur loves because she says, “Ze British always overcook your meat.” Which is very funny given I have lived in France before and you've lived in the UK. So in London did they over, was meat like, very well done? Because in France, they serve stuff very rare. 

 

Johnny
At British places, it's pretty charred. Yeah. 

 

Mike
Which is gross.


Johnny
Like, not any sort of other types of global places and I sort of avoided any sort of British food. Because in London, I meant?I kept with the global types of food--

 

Mike
Indian food.

 

Johnny
--and yes, I had so much Indian food, oh my god, it’s incredible. I miss it so much

 

Mike

When I visited you that one weekend, we ate Indian food for every single meal.

 

Johnny
Did we go to Dishoom?

 

Mike
Yes.

 

Johnny
That's my favorite restaurant the world. Hey--

 

Mike
it was really good. We only--

 

Johnny
--Dear listeners, if you’re in London--

 

Mike
--ate Indian food for an entire three day weekend. And it was great, but let me tell you I had a rough bout at the toilet for the next week. And it was very much worth it because every other food option that we could have consumed would have been bad.

 

Johnny
I hope everyone feels like they know Mike a little bit better after this episode. 

 

Mike
So Ginny is surprised the Fleur is actually going to marry Bill. Harry says, “Oh, she's not that bad. Err, ugly though.” Which, love that. He had that up in the end.


Johnny
Real ugly, yeah.

Mike
Which is like, the one thing that is not up for debate. It’s that she’s super hot. I love that that's the thing he tried to knock her for. Hermione has a copy of the Prophet, Ron asks his classic question if anyone they know died. Hermione says, no, and they still haven't found Snape yet. Harry notes that they're probably not going to find Snape until they're find Voldemort which they haven't been able to do. As I read this, I realized Voldemort was never in this book right? It was only in flashbacks as I guess Tom Riddle or whatever. But we had zero Voldemort in this book. 

 

Johnny
This one and the third one are the two Voldemort-less books so far and maybe the seventh, who knows.

 

Mike
It’s the third one and the second one there's no Voldemort in the second one. It was all diary Tom Riddle. 


Johnny
I mean, there's the young Voldemort.

 

Mike
Yeah.

 

Johnny
Young Voldie, if you will.

 

Mike
Sure. 

 

Johnny
Young Voldy.

 

Mike
But and I guess, here, you could say it's young Voldy. Because it’s a flashback. Voldemort’s not in the third book at all? 

 

Johnny
No. 

 

Mike
I mean yeah, I guess he didn't really return. I guess in one he kind of returned and then went away. And then in 4, he came back. So I guess it makes sense. But yeah, absolutely no, authentic Voldemort, in the present in this book. Which I didn't realize until the last chapter.

 

Johnny
Pretty gutsy move of JK when she was writing this series, like at the beginning to not include the main villain like until the fourth book like as alive. Like, obviously he was in it and present but he was not alive, right? Or he was not in his human whatever form, which is a pretty pretty gutsy move, I think. But that's cool.

 

Mike

Yeah, it's an interesting choice. And I think a very powerful choice that you have a villain that is so important that he's not really that major of a factor until weirdly the middle of the series and at the very end, yes, he is in the first book, but barely and not even in his full form. Then he's gone for two and a half books. And then he's there for the end of four. And then I guess, you know, throughout five, but then he just takes a book off. But it's his great thing where he even without being in the books is such a present part. It's kind of like how Anthony Hopkins won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in Silence of the Lambs, even though he's in the movie for a total of something ridiculous like 14 minutes and 30 seconds.

 

Johnny  

Damn. I didn't realize that.

 

Mike  

That's one of my favorite movie fun facts. Even though Hannibal Lecter is not in every scene or in the movie that much. He just has such a presence felt throughout the film. And Anthony Hopkins killed it in every scene that he's in that you just always feel his presence and so much so that it feels like he's in the movie for way more than he actually is.

 

Johnny  

Yeah, that's a damn good movie.

 

Mike  

Really good. Anyway, Ginny gets tired and goes to bed and Ron turns away when she kisses Harry Good night, which I think is funny. Hermione then leans forward quote, “With the most Hermione-ish look on her face.” And this can only mean one thing. So more Half Blood Prince shit. Harry excitedly goes, “Oh, is this about RAB?” And Hermione goes, “No, it's about the Snape and the Half Blood Prince.”

 

Johnny
Ohhhhh… Yeah I'm just going to say I told you so. Like oh fuck off.  

Mike

She does mention a bit about RAB though. She says that she looked up the initials of RAB and couldn't find any significant wizard that made sense. She mentioned some wizards with some weird names, but she says that she knows that the person had to know Voldemort and I'm pretty sure that Regulus was a Death Eater. So, the fact that she didn't bring up Regulus Black at all in this conversation makes me know that RAB is Regulus Black. Because if it wasn't going to be Regulus Black a person that we know about that has the initials at least RB, she would have said, “Well, it's not Regulus Black because blah blah, blah, blah, blah.” So the fact that she has not decided that and found out that it's Regulus Black or that she didn't rule them out makes me think it is definitely Regulus Black.

 

Johnny
Hey Mike, are you sure it's not uhhh Scooby Doo, trying to say, Ludo Bagman’s name? 

 

Mike

Ludo Bagman. 

 

Johnny

Ludo Bagman! 

 

Mike
Yeah, we find out that something like Ludo isn't actually his first name, it’s just a nickname. 


Johnny
Yeah.

 

Mike
Like, Robert Anthony Bagman and he goes by Ludo


Johnny
Right, Roger Bagman. Dude, that would be that would be the Ultimate win for you.

 

Mike
Oh my god! Except I have just cemented myself as just thinking it’s Regulus Black. So uhhh, no. Ludo’s not showing up anymore, in my guess, if he does I'd be so ecstatic. She tells Harry, “Well, I was sort of right about the Half Blood Prince business.” Because SPOILER! Plot Twist: Eileen Prince was Snape’s mom, which I did not see coming. But then Ron butts in saying, “I thought she wasn't much of a looker.” So again, we get into this whole ugly thing because JK Rowling loves talking about people's appearances. It's always very important. So what we learned is that Eileen Prince was a wizard and her husband was a Muggle. It's a situation very similar to Voldemort. And Harry brings up that there's even more similarities because their nicknames are both royalty based Dark Lord, Half Blood Prince. Harry asks how Dumbledore didn't see this coming. Even with such obvious things like these nicknames. Hermione reminds Harry that he also didn't think that the Half Blood Prince was evil, just clever. So it could be a similar thing with Snape to Dumbledore where Dumbledore might not have thought Snape was evil, just clever, but you know we've learned later Snape’s not evil blah blah blah. Hermione is shocked Snape didn't know that Harry read the book. Harry said, “Oh, he knew once I did Sectumsempra.” Hermione then theorizes that he didn't turn in Harry because he didn't want to be associated with the book which makes sense. Because if Snape brings Harry to Dumbledore saying, “Look, he's got my old textbook, which is helping him cheat in class.” But then Dumbledore looks at the textbook and he goes, “What the fuck is all this, Snape?” It makes a lot of sense, that yes, Snape might have known about the situation but didn't want to tell anyone because then Snapes probably going to get in trouble.

 

Johnny
Right. oh you-you invented Sectumsempta, “Who the fuck are you?” 

 

Mike
I owe Kelly an apology because we had a bit of a back and forth in her episode where I thought that Snape didn't know. Because if you didn't know he would have brought it up blah blah blah but Hermione perfectly identified why. So apologies to Kelly because I was pretty certain that Snape didn't know or at least couldn't confirm. But this theory that Hermione has come up with makes a lot more sense that Snape just doesn't want to be associated to this potentially evil book.

 

Johnny
Right.

 

Mike
Harry then regrets not showing the book to Dumbledore thinking that it would have helped tip him off to Snape. Hermione tells Harry that she thinks he's putting too much blame on himself citing that even she didn't think that the Half Blood Prince was a killer, just a bad dude. Harry’s kind of unsure about what to expect to the funeral which is coming up. He's never gone to one before because his parents died when he was just a kid or a baby and Sirius didn't really have one. And so, the next day, Harry gets up and gets ready to pack and the Hogwarts Express is planning to leave one hour after the funeral. They're at the Grand Hall, everybody’s sad Dumbledore’s chair and Hagrid’s chair are empty. Scrimgeour is in Snape’s, and guess who else is there everybody's least favorite character and the true villain of the series, Percy Weasley.

 

*cringe*

Mike

Gosh, he’s so bad, so so so bad.

 

JD
There is a John Mulaney bit where they talk about the kid who always like, points out when it's after midnight on sleepovers and you’re like, “oh remember that movie we watched today" and the kids like,"actually we watched that yesterday" and they’re like “Oh, shut up!” That’s Percy!

 

Mike
That’s Percy.


JD
That’s Percy.

 

Mike
That is Percy. Or yeah, it's like 12:30 and you say, “Oh, hey, good morning.” You see someone to brunch, “Uhh, it's the afternoon.” 

 

Johnny
Yeah, that’s pure Percy. 

 

Mike
The worst kind of person. Or the kid in class when the teacher doesn't assign the homework and then raises their hand, “Uhhh, what's what you what pages do we have to do for the homework?” “No Percy.”

 

Johnny
Shut up, Percy

 

Mike

Harry notes that Crabbe and Goyle are muttering back and forth to each other, saying that they look, “Lonely without the tall, pale figure of Malfoy between them.” Which I always imagined Malfoy is short, but I guess it's because of the movies that Tom whatever was, what's his name? Not Tom Holland, that’s Spiderman. 

 

Johnny
Tom Felton.

 

Mike
Yeah, he’s kind of short. So I guess it's a similar thing to Ron. Because of the books Ron is actually supposed to be taller than the twins. But in the movies, the twins are way taller than Rupert Grint. I need to recalibrate my brain to think that Malfoy is pretty tall, which I guess would make him more likely to be a bully because he's bigger than most people. So Harry hadn't given Malfoy much thought but looking back on how scared Malfoy was and the awful situation that he was in, he kind of pities Malfoy but he's still despises him for his obsession with the Dark Arts, ultimately facilitating Dumbledore's death. So then the students head out to the lake for the funeral and at first and they're heading to the lake I was like, are they going to like throw Dumbledore in the lake? Like, I thought it was gonna be like a funeral pyre. Like, they would put it in the boat--

 

Johnny
Oh, that would be so badass.

 

Mike
--and light it on fire but they didn't do that.

 

Johnny

-- And they like they like push them off and like--

 

Mike
--the squid takes him. 

 

Johnny

Oh shit, we forgot about the squid.

He's like, Oh my god, like who would who would shoot the arrow? Would it be Hagrid with just like, a massive crossbow? 

 

Mike
Yes.

 

Johnny
He's just like, the flaming arrow. *pfft!*

 

Mike
Yes. It would have to be.

 

Johnny
Oh fuck! The squid got him before the arrow.

 

Mike

We do. Get some awesome stuff at the funeral though. So the students had out and a bunch of the Order of the Phoenix is there. The narrator notes that Tonks’ hair is bright pink again and she's holding hands with Lupin which makes me very excited. And among the people in attendance are Tom, the toothless walnut, Mrs. Fig, the bassist from the Weird Sisters.

 

Johnny
Yeah.

 

Mike

Ernie from the Knight Bus which made me think, “Oh yeah, what happened to Stan?” What what is he still just kicking it in Azkaban. But we will learn, Harry brings this us up and the answer is yes. Madam Malkin is also there, the barman from the Hogs Head, the candy trolley witch from Hogwarts Express.

 

Johnny
Dude, how badly would you want to go hang out with Dumbledore and the bassist from the Weird Sister and just like get super fucked up with those guys. 

 

Mike
No, I wouldn't choose the basis from the Weird Sisters. The Weird Sisters lost a lot of credit for me and my brain because I thought they were an all girl band. And then I learned that they were an all dude band, which is not as much fun.

 

Johnny
Yeah.

 

Mike
I thought it was gonna be like two girls. Like Hime but two people. Sisters that play music together. 

 

Johnny
That being said, the bassist from a wizard rock band hanging out with Dumbledore and just like doing all crazy ass wizard drugs like, I would love to be a fly on the wall for that. 

 

Mike
Dude, anyone chillin with Dumbledore would be amazing. I bet Dumbledore don't even have a good conversation with Lockhart or something.

 

Johnny
Yeah, but the bassist from the Weird Sisters. That would be --

 

Mike

The only band.

 

Johnny

--prime conversation.

 

Mike
There are two bands in the Wizarding World. They are the Weird Sisters and there's Celestina Warbeck and that's it. There's no other music.

 

Johnny
Celestina Warbeck is apparently really really pure mom music. Like Celine Dion level.

 

Mike
Yeah.


Johnny
I bet that's the comp.

Mike
Yeah, it seems like a good comp. Neville and Luna are sitting with each other which I want to happen so bad. They’re my OTP, they’re the ship I want to happen. I don't think it's going to happen. But I want it I want it. 


Johnny
What is it? OTP 

 

Mike
One True Pairing.


Johnny
Ohhh, never heard that.  

 

Mike

It's like a Tumblr thing.

 

Johnny

A Tumblr thing? 

 

Mike
It's usually for a pairing that I don't think actually happens. It's your ship that you want to happen the most, it’s your OTP. I believe it's my understanding. So Narrator Harry reveals that they were the only two aside from Ginny, I guess from the DA that answered Hermione’s summon. So she did the coin thing. And Harry's guess is that they were the only two that actually kept their coins on them and check them regularly, which explains why those two helped out and there was nobody else really helping out, everyone else was asleep or just chillin’. 

 

Johnny
Can we just talk about how adorable that is?

Mike
Very cute. 

 

Johnny
That is so goddamn adorable. 

 

Mike
They're the best. I love Neville and Luna a lot. They're very very good. 

 

Johnny
They were just like, “Maybe they'll call me one day.” “Maybe they’ll need me one day.” and then they did.

 

Mike
Yeah, so then we get some interesting characters in attendance at the funeral. Rita Skeeter is there as is Umbridge. Which, I don't know that Dumbledore would want either of them at his funeral. Seems like they'd be on the do not invite list. 

 

Johnny
I like that they gave Umbridge an unconvincing expression of grief. Like, that is a perfect description for what she was looking like. 

 

Mike
Yes, very, very accurate. So then some strange music begins to play and Ginny notes that it's coming from the water. It's the Merpeople and it is definitely much like Fawkes’ song a song of lament. While the song is going on, Hagrid brings down Dumbledore’s body wrapped in a purple cloth and brings it up on to an altar of sorts and afterwards kind of walks back and Harry notes that on the other side, behind all of the chairs that are set up is Grawp which I find it strange that everyone is just okay with him being there. Since, isn't Grawp a secret, doesn't no one know about Grawp. 

 

Johnny  

I think that's true. And I think he's full giant.

 

Mike  

Yeah, he's full giant. He's a little smaller because he's a baby or he's a dwarf giant and that's why Hagrid took him in, he’s a little smaller.

 

Johnny
He's the runt. He's the runt.

 

Mike
Yeah, so he's still enormous, but he's not as big as all the other giants. But Hagrid has kept him secret in the forest that no knows he's there and now he's just at the funeral and nobody cares. 

 

Johnny
Didn’t he like, involved in the ruckus in the Forbidden Forest with Umbridge when they brought her there.

 

Mike
He saved Hermione and Harry.

 

Johnny 

That's right. Man, this is quite the cast of characters.

 

Mike
Yeah, I was baffled that nobody gave a shit that this giant was there.


Johnny
Yeah.

 

Mike
Apparently he was dressed in some like rough formal clothes which, how did you even get those?

Johnny
I never thought about it, but that is a great point. Who made those clothes?

 

Mike
Yeah. So then craziness happens. These white flames just erupt from the altar and it completely engulf the body of Dumbledore and they leave behind a white tomb. So I don't... they never explain what this is, or who did it or someone made the spell or whatever. It's just flames show up and then boom! A tomb is there. So, I hope they put the altar in the right spot because I don't know how they're moving that unless they get Grawp to pick it up. But now, it’s just like, “Oh shit, we put the, we didn't think now we just got a tomb here on the lake.” I hope they were okay. Or at least someone knew that this was going to be the result that Oh, now we have a tomb in our front yard. 

 

Johnny
I imagine it was well planned. 

 

Mike
Yeah.

Johnny
I feel like, if your job is to plan wizard funerals, you've probably done this before. 

 

Mike
Sure. But then, that's the more craziness goes down. A bunch of arrows just descend from the sky and fly in. And we learned that it's coming from the centaurs, and people were shocked and scared by both. So here's a thought. These people are very in their own rights to be shocked about this. Because these are very dangerous special effects should not be like some sort of program on all the chairs that says Yo, there's going to be a big old flames, big old pyrotechnics and arrows flying in from the forest. 

 

Johnny
Yeah.

 

Mike
I feel like this is something that people in attendance at his funeral should be warned about. 

 

Johnny
Can you imagine one of them and like misfires--

 

Mike
Right?

 

Johnny
-- and like, fucking nailed somebody. 

 

Mike
You're shooting a lot of arrows, you have the potential of two of them kind of colliding in midair. And then flying askew.

 

Johnny
It’s like, Ernie Prangs getting nailed in the cheek 


Mike
I mean, it would be good if maybe one hit Umbridge or something. But I don't know what if someone we liked got punctured with an arrow because they didn't know. 

 

Johnny
That’s what I mean, man, Ernie Prang.

 

Mike
That would be very silly. But yeah, so that's going down at the funeral. Harry them turns a Ginny and this is where he pulls a superhero breakup where he basically says it's too dangerous for them to be together. Voldemort will want to go through her to get to him, blah, blah. She's upset, but she understands. I hope that by the End of the book. I mean, I know they end up marrying each other and stuff, so I know it's going to be okay. I just hope that they're not separated or weird and awkward for too long. But if it follows normal superhero protocol, they'll be back soon. Well, it's only a matter of time. 

 

Johnny
You know, I don't know this is a bad move by Harry. 

 

Mike
No, it's smart. It just makes me sad because they're so perfect for each other. 

 

Johnny
That being said, he says Voldemort uses people his enemies are close to. Like, clearly the information is out there that they dated, and then they broke up like Voldemort would be able to deduce that even though they're not like FBO anymore, he could still like, take her.

 

Mike
Yeah, the only way they would know is if Malfoy found out and if Malfoy found out he would tell.

 

Johnny
Or, I mean, but they were like publicly dating.

 

Mike
But just in the school like it's not like that's going to spread to like Antonin Dolohov.

 

Johnny
There's like so many Death Eater’s children in that school. 

 

Mike
I guess, but I don't know. Aren't the Death Eaters that are being Death Eater-y not around their kids? 

 

Johnny
I mean, they're not gonna like be publicly dating in front of Death Eaters after graduation either, right? They're not gonna like Go to like, Lucius Malfoy’s dinner together. 

 

Mike
Yeah, I don't know I guess the one concern would be if Malfoy found out which you probably would.

 

Johnny 

Well I just mean that it doesn't it doesn't make a difference whether their official.

 

Mike 

You think that it doesn't matter for them to break up.

 

Johnny
Right? Because it's already out there that they're--

 

Mike
Yeah.

 

Johnny
--you know, are in love or whatever. 

 

Mike
Yeah, I-I agree with you. Later then, Scrimgeour comes over to Harry and asks for a word. Harry says “Sure.” Basically doesn't look at him the whole time though, which is great. So he also wants Harry to tell him what he's doing with Dumbledore, which LOL, nice try. Harry refuses because he's Dumbledore’s man through and through. Harry asks really what's in it for him telling him and Scrimgeour says that the ministry can protect him and Harry says there's no amount of protection that will keep him safe. Voldemort wants to duel and kill Harry by himself on his own. So Voldemort is going to do whatever it takes, they're going to have to fight, it's inevitable. Harry asks Scrimgeour if he's released Stan Shunpike yet, and Scrimgeour turns purple and then says, “I guess you are…” and Harry says, “Dumbledore’s man through and through.” So Harry effectively just tells Scrimgeour, “Get out of here.” 

 

Johnny
I love it. I love this.

 

Mike
Harry is basically two for two on interactions with Rufus Scurimgeour. And I'm very excited about it. 

 

Johnny
Yeah, Rufus Scrimgeour sucks. 

 

Mike
He's bad. He's really bad. Harry then gets with the squad, and he says that he doesn't want to go back to school next year. And they're very surprised. And they asked him what his plan is. He says he's going to go to the Dursleys because he has to for the love protection charm. And it's what Dumbledore would have wanted. Then he's going to go to Godric(s) Hollow and that's where he was born, right? That's where his parents live. 

 

Johnny
That's where he, yes, where the shit went down with the parents. Where he was born.

 

Mike
Yeah, where they got where he murdered. He doesn't know why he just feels like he needs to visit. So I'm guessing he will go there and have some sort of self discovery. 

 

Johnny
What are your thoughts on this plan? 


Mike
I don't know. I think it's kind of silly, because I feel like he needs some sort of accomplice that is not just Ron and Hermione to find these Horcruxes. And the other thing and this is a point that we Ron and Hermione and other people have brought up when they talk about the school potentially being closed. Is that Hogwarts is probably the safest place to be. There's a lot of other wizards there they have protections on the castle itself. It just seems like the smartest plan is to be at Hogwarts. And I don't know that if Harry is just roughing it that that's really the smartest thing that he can do.

 

Johnny  

Hogwarts is an interesting place in book seven. That's all I'll say.

 

Mike  

Okay, I'm excited to see what happens. So Harry says that after going to Godric’s Hollow, he will go on and search for the four remaining Horcruxes before ultimately taking on Voldemort, the seventh Horcrux division of the soul. He has to, you know, take on him face to face. Ron and Hermione say that they are going to go with him and that they will be by his side while he does this. Ron does remind Harry though that they have to go to the Burrow during the summer for Bill and Fleur’s wedding. And Harry basically has this thought about the wedding like, “Oh wow, it's hard to think that there are some normal and happy things that can exist in this world even with Voldemort on the rise and Dumbledore dead.” But he does kind of have a happy moment thinking about it and it'll be a nice escape from all the stuff going around them. And it being in the summer, it will be nice because once he starts to go on this search, stuff's going to get real. And that is the end of this chapter. It's the end of this book at the end it's episode of Potterless. So Johnny, how you feeling about these two chapters? 

 

Johnny
I mean, it's just heart wrenching, heartbreaking stuff. You know, I said that word like 10 times already. But it’s like--


Mike
It is, it's accurate. 

 

Johnny
She nails the grief. And I think one of the ways that she really nails the grief is not sort of capturing Harry is super sad right away. I think there is a certain level of numbness that she did very, very well in instilling into Harry and then when he's at the funeral you he has this moment of like overwhelming loss, and realizes what practically not having Dumbledore. You know? what that what that what that looks like from a tactical perspective going forward, which I think is really, really hard hitting. But what about you, man? You’re done with my favorite book in the series.

 

Mike
Oh yeah, it’s easily mine too. Seven is gonna have to be absolutely bonkers to top six. Six was just so good every chapter is amazing. And yeah, these last two chapters are very well written they really do cover the grief and just everyone coming to grips with the situation it's very sad ending tho the book. Because it's basically two chapters of everyone feeling guilty and slash or sad about Dumbledore’s death.

 

Johnny
Somehow, we still managed to dick around our way through it. 

 

Mike
Oh, of course we did because we're the we're just to garbage human beings. But the last chapter in particular was very well written, even though not necessarily that much action wise happened. We get a lot of really good Harry realization chapters and getting insight into what's going on in Harry's head. And you're right, there are some really good moments where he has the realization Oh, wow, Dumbledore is dead. This is going to be really hard. And it's it's a good moment to have.

 

Johnny
Yeah, I bet you can't wait to watch the funeral in the movie, because it's so cool in the movie. 

 

Mike
You've told me that it's not in it. It makes me so, how do you not, ughhhh! How do you not have that in the movie? I don't get it. I don't understand. 

 

Johnny
I know.

 

Mike
It's so important. 

 

Johnny
It’s so important.

 

Mike
It's gonna be so bad. 


Johnny
It's so visual.

 

Mike
Right? That's the biggest thing is like, it's so beautifully written. And the way that JK Rowling laid it out, I could see everything. And it was so beautiful to picture it and envision it. And I can't believe the director did not want to bring that into the film for everyone to see because it seems so moving and picturesque. I don't get it. 

 

Johnny
The last thing I'll say though, is that the cave scene in the movie is spot on is so good. 

 

Mike
Okay, good. Does the boat look like the Flying Dutchman boat from Spongebob? 

 

Johnny
No, I’m sorry.

 

Mike
Oh damn. Okay, well…

 

Johnny
I’m sorry. 

 

Mike
You can't have everything you want. But at least we get a good scene there. So that is the end of this episode. So Johnny, thank you so much for joining along. Listeners, if you want more Johnny, go check out his featuring in the bonus episodes on Patreon.com/Potterless and listeners, thanks for listening. And until next time, as they say the wizarding world of Harry Potter--

 

Johnny
Oh, are we doing the thing? 

 

Mike
Yeah, it’s the end, but I needed that, as they say in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter before they hop aboard the Hogwarts Express to head home.

 

Johnny/Mike
WIZARD ON!